The Brady Bunch

Here's the story…about the New England Patriots, who were busy with a few trophies of their own. Can anyone stop a dynasty in the making?

THE BRADY BUNCH IS BACK ON THE FALL SCHEDULE. AND I’M NOT talking about the one with that stud Barry Williams in it. I’m talking about the New England Patriots. With three Super Bowl victories in four years, the D-word is forming on everyone’s tongue. The question is hanging over this NFL season like a giant piñata, waiting to be cracked: Do the Patriots have a chance to become the greatest dynasty ever?

They could be on their way. Check out the impressive numbers: Three Super Bowls in four years matches the Cowboys of the early ’90s, nine straight playoff victories ties the Packers under the legendary Vince Lombardi, and 10 playoff victories in 11 games gives coach Bill Belichick one up on The Vince.

“We’ve never really selfproclaimed ourselves anything,” says Tom Brady, who is 9-0 in the playoffs. “If you guys say we’re great, we’ll accept the compliment.”

OK, you’re great (although Brady himself is only ranked as the 30thbest fantasy player). But how are your TV skills? As evidenced by Papa Brady’s hosting of Saturday Night Live earlier in the year, not so great. In fact, the host was downright hokey in places. But we’ll forget all that if he becomes only the third QB in history – with Bradshaw and Montana – to win four Super Bowls.

The Pats’ accomplishments are even more impressive when you think about how only a handful of teams were competing in the Lombardi Era, meaning the talent wasn’t as spread out as it is now. In today’s game, team cohesion isn’t easily accomplished, considering free agency and the dash for cash. But with everyone (and their posses) gunning for the Patriots this season, can they pull off a three-peat? And if they’re going to be dethroned, who stands the best chance at foiling snazzydressed coach Belichik’s plans for world domination?

FANTASY 1 : Indy 500

THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE’S MIND isn’t whether the Indianapolis Colts can race around the track and score big again in 2005-06. The question is: Can their defense slow any of the other drivers down? After being pummeled by the Pats in last season’s playoffs (20-3), the Colts’ brass decided they had a glaring deficiency in their secondary, namely tackling. And, to that end, they selected three defensive backs in the draft. “We’ve got to tighten things up,” says Indianapolis head coach Tony Dungy, “and we’ve got to be more physical.” OK, say the physical element is in place. What will Peyton Manning do for an encore? Forget last year’s 4,557 passing yards and 49 touchdowns (the latter of which surpassed the record of Dan “soon to be in the Hall” Marino). Nope, the only encore Colts fans will accept is the checkered flag.

FANTASY 2 : Fly like an Eagle

PHILLY FINALLY SNAPPED ITS THREE-YEAR JINX OF getting eliminated in the NFC championship round and flew all the way to the Super Bowl last season – where they put up a decent squawk before being “Pat-ronized.”

Of course, the Mouth That Doesn’t Stop Roaring, Terrell Owens, pinned the blame on Donovan McNabb, saying the QB was too tired in the huddle to even call the plays. But give McNabb credit; he had a superb year and he will be hungry to soar back to the Big Game to prove even more doubters wrong. Whether doubter Owens will be flying alongside him is another story (read: distraction).

As of press time, T.O. was bitching and moaning, again, about his contract. He signed a sevenyear, $46 million deal before joining the Eagles in 2004, but after the Super Bowl, he said he wanted it restructured.

“It’s a non-issue,” says team owner Jeffrey Lurie. “There are a lot of things I spend time thinking of, but that’s not one of them.” When asked if Owens would be with the team when the season began, Lurie replied: “If he wants to win a Super Bowl, he sure should be.”

FANTASY 3 : Not-So-Gentle Ben

IT’S BEEN 25 YEARS SINCE PITTSBURGH won a Super Bowl (Terry Bradshaw actually had some hair then), and “I think we all feel like it’s time,” says Steelers owner Art Rooney. They definitely have the pieces in place.

To begin with, don’t be calling second-year QB Ben Roethlisberger gentle. He broke Marino’s 21-year-old record for pass-completion percentage and passer rating for a rookie. Not-So-Gentle Benji also started 13 games and, yup, won all of them, helping the Steelers to a 15-1 record, nearly matching the 17-0 record of the 1972 Miami Dolphins. However, the Steelers also became the second team not to reach the Super Bowl with that record.

Count on their defense to be about the best in the league, and count on “The Bus,” Jerome Bettis, to be back for one more Super Bowl run. And as long as the wheels on the Bus go ’round and ’round, the Steelers will be on time and at the top of their class.

FANTASY 4 : Falcons and the Snowman

OK, WE ALL KNOW MICHAEL VICK IS THE “BOMB,” BUT CAN HE LEARN TO throw one? “He knows the concepts of the passing offense better than a year ago,” says offensive coordinator Greg Knapp. Alrighty then; we’ll tune in, because the dude makes plays – and sells Nikes.

On a positive note, Warrick Dunn restructured his contract to help create salary cap room, and the defense got even quicker all around. But the Falcons’ season depends fully on the talons of Vick – will he be a falcon through the air? Or a snowman (ya know – ice cold)?

FANTASY 5 : Lotto Fever

WE HERE AT MEN’S EDGETRY NOT TO MAKE ANY BOLD PREDICTIONS – last we heard, Nostradamus was still out of work – but we are positive that, along with a few additional usual suspects (e.g., Rams, Chiefs, Jets, Vikings), there will be a team or two that comes out of nowhere with a winning lotto ticket. Last season, it was Pittsburgh and San Diego. This year, it’s anyone’s guess. But whomever it is, they will have to contend with reruns of the Brady Bunch – and with Alice still cleaning up after them, you just know they’re going to be polished and ready to roll.

SUPPORTING CAST :

Will these guys put a spoiler on the Brady Bunch dynasty? Not likely.Will they still entertain us this season? You bet.

• Doug Flutie – if at first you don’t succeed … play in New England. After so many years as perennial back-up, shouldn’t Flutie be up for a Best Mascot Award?

• Randy Moss – Can you imagine how those badass fans in Oakland are going to take to their new Raider? Only one problem: a guy named Kerry Collins throwing to him.

• Alex Smith (Utah) – There’s hope again in San Francisco, even after mayor Gavin Newsom got his butt kicked all over the nation last season on that gay-marriage thing (but points for trying, Gav!). We hope the good folks of SF are tolerant enough to give Smith the time he needs to mature.

• Maurice Clarett (Ohio State) – Maurice Clarett in the Mile High City; what could possibly go wrong? OK, maybe we’re being a little harsh. But the Broncos just guaranteed themselves a number of weasels crawling around in the dirt. (When we say “weasels,” we mean fine journalists like the one that is writing this.)

• Aaron Rodgers (California) – Oh brother, have we heard this one before: “Brett Favre’s heir-apparent.” Last we looked, it was apparent that Favre still has major game going on. Take a seat, rook, and watch the master.

• Ricky Williams – After a few good pow-wows with a guru-dude in Jamaica (wink, wink), Ricky is interested in entering the league again. The question is: Is the league interested in him? And, can he leave the ganja behind?

• Chad Pennington – Just call the Jets’ sixth-year quarterback Mr. Red Zone. In his first five seasons, he had 39 TDs and no INTs inside the 20-yard line. What’ll he do for an encore – if he can heal properly from February’s shoulder surgery?

• Kellen Winslow Jr. – First, we just thought it was only the son who seemed like an a-hole. Then we heard Papa Winslow preach to the media. Dudes, relax. It’s the price of fame these days. Either deal with it gracefully – or ask Ricky where he hung out in Jamaica.

• Kurt Warner – Man, this guy just does not want to go back to being a grocery-store bagger. The funny thing? He still has a chance at being Arizona’s best QB ever. Boy, do they have a sucky organization.

• Tom Coughlin – Last year, 12 of his own players filed grievances with their union against the coach. You can bet they’ll be great again this year! Hey, maybe one of their starting receivers will even catch a touchdown pass! (FYI: Not one did last year.) Have fun, Eli.

• Mike Holmgren – The supposed mastermind of coaching is entering his seventh season in Seattle – which still hasn’t won a playoff game since ’84. If Hasselbeck falters, look for Big Mike to gamble on former University of Georgia standout David Greene. That, or buy a lot more stock in Starbucks.

• Bill Parcells – The Gruff One is going to give it one last shot with the Cowboys – and QB Drew Bledsoe, who swears Parcells will treat him with more respect now that he’s a veteran. Yeah, count on it, Drew – we’re pretty sure you’ll be getting shelled.