Space Invaders
You dated. You fell in love - you think. And now she has a key. Here's how to make room in your life - and your home - for her.
Living together. Moving in. Cohabitation. These very words strike fear in the heart of many a man. And before you know it, you've got less-than-flattering images of wagon-wheel coffee tables, arguments over whose living room sofa to keep and pink flowered linens in the master bedroom floating around in your noggin.
Despite what you may believe, making room in your home for your lady doesn't have to be a stressful, difficult event. Men's Edge talked to three couples that took this inevitable event head on, overcame the challenges and made it work for them.
If you're about to take that plunge into a unified living space, the following four tips could help ease the transition. God knows you'll need it.
1. Plan Ahead
Moving from one home to another can be stressful, but advance planning mentally prepares you for the experience. It also helps you anticipate any snags that might occur.
Bobby Foster and his wife, Krista, had known each other for just longer than a year before getting married. The Phoenix couple lived separately during their courtship, and Krista moved into Bobby's apartment after the wedding. When they decided to tie the knot, the couple wisely began planning ahead. "We purchased furniture together with our new living space (Bobby's apartment) in mind," Bobby says. "We also spent time deciding what would go where, what to get rid of and what we still needed to get. Our planning paid off because things went very smoothly overall."
2. Find A Way To Deal
One aspect that factors into the ease or difficulty of blending two lives is personal living style. If that clutter in the corner near the entertainment center looks perfectly organized to you, then when you're living with someone who carries a file cabinet around like a vital organ, it can cause a strain on the relationship. "We're both procrastinators, but Krista even more than I," Bobby says. "It's hard to be too critical, though, when I have the very same flaw."
"She's smiling now, but when she moves in, will it be the beginning of the end for you?"
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If you're a neatnik and your partner isn't, open your yap about it, but avoid using phrases like "you're a slob" or "this is a pigsty," unless you're intentionally trying to drive her away. You'll only create animosity and stress. Remember, your partner isn't accustomed to living with you yet, so what you consider "normal," she may consider rigid or obsessively neat. Take time to discuss the benefits of a neat and organized household, and come to an agreement that works for both of you regarding routines and expectations of neatness. You might find that she simply doesn't know how to organize (shame on her if she doesn't). Her tolerance for clutter may be higher than yours (which is perfect - at least for us), so you may have to agree to each adjust your standard of "normal."
Also, when joining households, it's important to remember that you can't fit two full houses into one comfortable home. Expect that each person will have to part with some things. Be sensitive to your partner's feelings as she goes through the paring-down process. Foster says his wife had a hard time parting with many of her items. "It was more stressful for her. She had emotional connections to things, whereas I took a cold, calculated, practical approach when dealing with my own stuff," he says.
3. Meet In The Middle
If you live alone now and are considering inviting a woman to move into your home, get your head checked first and foremost. (We're only halfway kidding about that.) One essential element to adopt is the spirit of compromise. Have open eyes and keep your expectations realistic. Moving in together is always an adjustment for both parties, but putting yourself in each other's shoes - not literally, of course - helps to make the transition easier for everyone.
Living together means comprimising. (Personally we're a fan of the yellow)
When Berkeley, Calif., CPA Ted O'Connell and Amy Powell moved in together, they were happy about their decision, yet well aware that it would change the dynamic of their year-old relationship. "We decided it would be a good test of our relationship," O'Connell says. "Instead of always having an ‘out' to return to our individual abodes, we now have to sit there and work things through."
Since O'Connell's five-bedroom home was the more spacious of the two residences, the couple agreed that Powell would move in with him. "We discussed almost everything in her apartment, from what we would keep in the house, store at the house and what we would discard," O'Connell says. "We packed the boxes of her things ourselves and Amy made most of the decisions when deciding what to keep." A table and chair from Powell's apartment didn't make the cut, but rather than selling them, she simply left them on the sidewalk outside her Berkeley apartment and they were gone the next morning. Apparently, college students are grateful for free furnishings.
When combining households, be aware that non-negotiable sticking points can arise and - with some couples - cause strain on a relationship. In this couple's case, it was two cats and a waterbed. Powell's cats, Molly and Goldie, were part of her family and she wasn't about to change that. So they adjusted their lifestyles to accommodate the cats.
"At the end of the day is it really worth arguing about some funky blanket or pillows that one of you wants to keep around? If so, you probably didn't make the right decision to move in together," O'Connell says.
4. Somebody's Gotta Sacrifice
In June 2002, Atlanta radio talk-show host John Kincade made room in his home for his wife, Cristina. Previously, Kincade had lived for five years with his mixed-breed dog, Keenan, in a four-bedroom house. Cristina also owned a home, which she shared with her dog, Zowie. "Cristina had a house full of things from having lived on her own, so we had to sit down and discuss how to go about moving in together," says Kincade. "She is very organized, and made an inventory of both houses on a spread sheet. We went over it together and decided what we'd keep vs. what we'd sell. We each knew we'd have to give up some of our own things."
But making sacrifices doesn't just mean parting with your own possessions. It also can mean adjusting to new routines, like wearing shoes in the house.
Pardon the pun, but Kincade put his foot down on that issue. "I told Cristina that I would absolutely not remove my shoes to walk into my own home," he says. "However, we agreed that I would leave my golf shoes in the garage instead of wearing them into the house, like I used to."
A sports guy and self-proclaimed "man's man," Kincade, offers a fresh and sensitive perspective on making room in your house for a woman. "When we got married, we were each losing a part of our independence, but at least I got to keep my home," he says. "Sure, I had to share my space, but Cristina made a bigger adjustment than I did. She was losing the main symbol of her independence, which was her home."
Kincade also had his wife's name added to the deed of the house and presented it to her the night before their wedding. "It was something I did to signify that the home wasn't just mine anymore, but ours." |
