Extreme Skate Over: Ice Hockey

Gentlemen, start your Zambonis; the NHL is back! Should we care?

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU. Because we cherish our faithful readers a helluva lot more than we care about the folks from the National Hockey League (NHL). Which is what I'm about to write about. I never, ever (did I mention ever?) thought I'd have to write about anything having to do with ice – well, except for that wild trick that ladies do with ice cubes. But since I basically used emotional terrorism to obtain my sports editor credit, I suppose this is my penance.

In case you've been hibernating in a hemp-mobile with Woody Harrelson, the NHL has finally settled its strife and – pro hockey's back! And, actually, the rechristening of the league, after the longest work stoppage ever for a professional sports league, fits perfectly with our current fascination with "Makeover TV." You know, you're completely fugly, a social leper, an outcast of such large proportions that your face is screaming out, "Make a fair lady out of me! Do it now!"

OK, maybe the boys on the ice won't be putting on Eliza Doolittle dresses, but there are a lot of fanciful changes in store for the sport – all in the name of recapturing an audience that was forced to leave the party like a toothless hooker after a $10 blowjob.

The Makeover

"It's the time where we could begin to move forward, finally, in an effective way where the game could be as good as it could be," says NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. Continuing in the praying tense, Bettman added, "This will probably be a seminal moment."

Come on, Gary – go out on a limb, big guy! It's gonna be a scream. Ain't it? Well? Ain't it?

For a league that's in dire need of a marketing shot in the arm, the least-popular sport among the Big Four, anything "could" and just may help. Starting with the announcement that NHL players will participate in the Olympics next year in Turin, Italy, and four years later in Vancouver. FYI: During the 2002 Salt Lake Games, hockey's TV ratings were its highest in the U.S. since the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" squad showed Soviet players where to put their pucks, and far exceeded the Stanley Cup playoff games. (In case you care: The NHL will cancel its All-Star festivities in Olympic years.)

Another ploy to increase fan support is scheduling more intradivisional and intraconference games: Teams will play eight games against all division foes, four against other teams in the conference and 10 interconference games. But perhaps the most exciting news is the number of rule changes initiated to speed up the game and, more importantly, increase the scoring. And tie games will be impossible now that the league has instituted a shootout: If the game is tied at the end of a fiveminute overtime period, three players from each team will be given one shot apiece. The team with the most goals after the six shots will be the winner. If there's another tie, a subsequent shootout will ensue. And no matter how many goals are scored in the shootout, the box score will reflect the winning team having won by only one goal.

To further increase point production, the goalies are being scaled back, literally. Their pads are being shrunk by 11 percent, and their gloves, upper-body protectors, pants and jerseys will be reduced as well. If a goalie violates the new rules, he'll serve a two-game suspension, the equipment manager will lose $1,000 and the team will cough up $25,000. Goalies also will be nailed for freezing the puck unnecessarily or using their costumes to frighten kids on Halloween.

Other rules that should help the offensive flow include new rink dimensions that increase the offensive zones by 4 feet. (This bodes well for power plays. Or so we're told.) The center red line also will be taken out of play, allowing for – previously off-sides – two-line passes. And so more dudes can score, there will be a major crackdown on clutching and grabbing.

Speaking of contact (and isn't that the reason people watch hockey?!), the days of the hockey goon may soon be numbered. Any player who instigates a fight in the final five minutes of a game will be called for misconduct and receive an automatic one-game suspension. The length of the suspension doubles for each additional incident. The player's coach also will be fined $10,000, and that fine doubles in the same manner. The NHL is hoping its tougher stance against thuggery will help clean up hockey's negative image.

To that end, there also are new unsportsmanlike conduct rules: 1) The league's office will review game videos and assess fines to players who dive, embellish a fall or reaction, or fake an injury in an attempt to draw penalties. I think the NBA should get in on this ASAP – although Vlade Divac is most likely retiring. But there's always the second- worst actor in sports, Manu Ginobli. 2) Public complaints or derogatory comments toward the game also will result in fines. A player will no longer be able to say, "Hey, this sucks! I'm not making enough to feed my family. It wouldn't be like this if I was a teamster." No, it wouldn't – you'd probably be buried in a garbage dump by now.

The Detente – Sort Of

"We couldn't continue the way we were. We couldn't have operated another season," said Bettman, who has been facing off with the Executive Director of the National Hockey League Players' Association (NHLPA), Bob Goodenow, for years, begging the question of whether the two organizations can co-exist.

"I think there's been too much made about a fragmented relationship," Bettman noted. "Bob and I have always had a professional relationship. On a personal level, we've never had a problem dealing with each other. And I don't suspect there'll be any change in that."

"I agree totally," Goodenow concurred, before promptly resigning his position at the end of July.

Apparently undeterred by this development, Bettman redirected his warmth toward the general public, gushing, "The best thing I can say to our fans is, we're back. We're going to be better than ever, and we're going to make it up to you."

Point taken. Can't you just feel the love dripping down in thick, viscous dollops? Now for the counterpoint, from Los Angeles Kings center Jeremy Roenick: "We're trying to make it better for everybody, period. End of subject. And if you don't realize that, then don't come. We don't want you at the rink, we don't want you in the stadium, we don't want you to watch hockey. I say personally, to everybody who called us 'spoiled,' you guys are just jealous."

Sounds like the friendly makeover part is going great already, doesn't it?

Did we mention there's also most likely a rampant steroid problem in hockey?