THE GIFTS OF GAB : HOW TO TALK YOUR WAY INTO (OR OUT OF) ANY SITUATION

Knowing the right verbal line to lay down makes all the difference. Let our smooth-talk tutorial guide you through life’s little challenges?

THE HOT SPOT OF THE MOMENT :“You don’t have to know the bartender or be decked out in Prada,” claims David Rabin, coowner of Manhattan’s Lotus Club, “but it helps.” If you’re not ready to spend your paycheck on one outfit or search out the owner, the task becomes more difficult, but not impossible. Leaving your entourage at home is the first step to waltzing into the promised land. “Come alone or with one other person,” adds Rabin. “No club needs a gaggle of men standing around.” Also, don’t wait in line; step away from the crowd and stand off to the side. It’s cheaper than Gucci and makes you look like a good guy for once in your life. “Humble confidence goes a long way,” Rabin advises. “Waiting for the doorman to catch your eye immediately makes you stand out from the other hundred people trying to get in.”

Fail-safe plan: Rabin suggests coming dressed in a snazzy pair of shoes. They’re easy to spot and say a lot about the person. If you’re married to your sneakers, try showing up with a tall, good-looking woman. “Make sure if she’s invited in, she doesn’t leave you hanging outside,” Rabin warns.

A BETTER DEAL ON A CAR : “First thing, lose the Rolex and the attitude,” claims Jim Ross, author of How To Buy a Car. “Looking like money won’t help your case when you cry poverty. And acting like a know-it-all will only bring negative results. The salesman wants to be your friend. If they feel they’re dealing with an equal, they’ll be more willing to drop the price.”

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show that you’re serious. Bring a notebook, print out dealer cost sheets from the Internet and ask questions. “Anything that indicates you’re a ‘right-now buyer’ helps make a sale,” adds Ross. “Telling them ‘I can only afford this amount’ works too. Saying the price is $500 too high attacks the fee of the car, and it’s not threatening to the salesperson, because it’s not personal or something he’s done wrong.”

Fail-safe plan: Create a series of assumptions. “Don’t bring the kids, but say you’ve got them, even if you don’t,” offers Ross. “This shows you’re a family man. And family men are treated differently because you’ve created the illusion of stability.”

BETTER SEATS AT A SPORTING EVENT : You went with the cheap seats. You’re so far back, you can’t tell who’s playing. What you can spot are several empty seats three tiers down. To snag those seats, you’ll need to 86 your Don Ho shirt and ripped jeans in favor of more expensive garb. “Ushers are trained to look for successful, wealthy people. You’ll get more favors if you can communicate and look like you belong,” shares Donald Moine, Ph.D., an organizational psychologist in Palos Verdes, Calif. Walk to the lowest level you can, purchase a beer or two, act like you own the place and waltz right in. If the usher prevents you from walking down to the next level, tell them the food court on your floor is out of corn dogs. If he asks to see your ticket, point to people you don’t know, wave, then add, “They’re holding the tickets.” “It’s much easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission,” Moine says. “Ushers are trained to say no. Sit yourself down in the desired seats and see what happens. If you’re confronted, look confused, then apologize.”

Fail-safe plan: Make friends with the gatekeepers by observing what they’re going through. “If they’ve just dealt with a jerk, using the ‘power of empathetic bonding’ helps seal a deal,” Moine suggests. Call them by their first names (which are conveniently displayed on the tags affixed to their chests), then commiserate with them. “Now you’ve emotionally bonded with that person so they’re apt to do you a favor,” adds Moine. “After fighting with someone, we need to balance our emotions to prove we’re not a bad person. Allowing you to sneak in lets them redeem themselves.”

FIRST CLASS, FROM COACH : Schtupping a stewardess in the cramped restroom might get you an extra bag of peanuts, but it won’t get you the leg room and champagne brunch you so richly deserve. David Leiberman, Ph.D., a specialist in human behavior and author of Get Anyone to do Anything, offers an alternate route to first class. “Give a box of chocolates to the ticket woman at the gate and say, ‘I really appreciate all your hard work.’ Then give a reason why you need to be moved: ‘I just had back surgery and the extra room would really help cushion the stitches,’” Leiberman suggests. “If you can generate a little sympathy without sounding like everyone else, add that in too.” While you’re at it, throw in a smile and you’ll have more elbow room than you need. Why does this work? Your kind and selfless gesture of goodwill creates an unconscious obligation. “It’s called the law of reciprocity,” Leiberman explains. “When someone does something nice, it makes us uncomfortable and creates a system of dependency. Now we owe a debt. In order to gain independence, we have to make the scale even.”

A JOB YOU’RE UNDERQUALIFIED FOR : First, match the environment of the organization,” says D.J. Mitsch, a Master Certified Coach and president of the International Coach Federation. “Call Human Resources and find out if you should wear a suit, a sport coat and tie, or if a more casual look is appropriate.” Energy is part of the costume. Connect with your interviewer by sending a message through your eyes and facial expression, not your handshake. Handshakes should be firm, but not too tight; you don’t want to fight for control.

“Everyone says, ‘Thank you for your time,’” Mitsch says. “Instead, notice something about them or about the room. This shows grace, connection and that you’re interested in more than the position they hold.” Brush up on the company’s Web sites and stock reports. “This scores points in important areas others typically overlook. It gives you conversation points and puts you ahead of most interviewees.” Before exiting, ask for the job: “This sounds great. I’m really interested. What else do you need to know about me that we haven’t covered?” If they say, “Nothing,” smile and ask, “When can I start?”

Fail-safe plan: “Flood them with your unrelated experience,” suggests Ruth Luban, career strategist and author of Are You a Corporate Refugee? A Survival Guide for Downsized, Disillusioned and Displaced Workers. Informing your boss-to-be that you speak six languages, have traveled to five continents, worked in 12 multinational companies and understand cultural differences that haven’t even made it into the textbooks yet makes you look like a man of many talents he didn’t know he needed or existed.

HER APARTMENT : The conversation has been smart and quick. Over dinner you discover you know the same people, have traveled in the same circles and have the same taste in politics. Who knew? You’ve paid the bill, walked her home and are now standing on her steps, watching her fiddle for her keys. Now’s the moment of truth, when you try to persuade her to invite you in. “Research shows the more consecutive ‘yes’es you get, the harder it is to say no. Ask questions you know she’ll answer yes to,” suggests William Fitzgerald, Ph.D., a sex therapist at the Silicon Valley Relationship and Sexuality Center in Santa Clara, Calif., and author of Sex: What Every Young Woman Needs To Know. “‘The restaurant was lovely, wasn’t it?’ ‘I had a nice time, didn’t you?’ What we’re going for is the ‘yes, yes’ salesman technique.” Then pay her a compliment – but keep it clean. Tilt your head, look into her eyes and say, “You have the most beautiful eyes. They’re a perfect shade of blue.”

“What you’re trying to do is give your date an endorphin rush of pleasure, which she’ll attribute to you,” Fitzgerald adds. Try something along these lines: “I feel so happy when I’m with you. I really don’t want this feeling to end; can I be with you longer?” Because she’s felt safe, flattered, and wanted, you’re a shoo-in.

THE “DO I LOOK FAT?” TRAP : Here comes that four-word question which brings dread to all men (aside from, “Will you marry me?”): “Do I look fat?” Countering with, “Well, are you pregnant?” is the wrong way to go. “And changing the subject won’t work. She’ll keep asking until she gets an answer she wants,” says Mareya Moore, a dating coach and author of Date Like A Man. “First, say, ‘Absolutely not.’ Then compliment her. She’s feeling insecure about her looks, so focus on the qualities that make you attracted to her. If her hair turns you on, get up, run your hand through it, and say, ‘Your hair is so soft, and smells so good.’ Then kiss her.” Next, grab the camera and have a private session. This is your chance to make her the Playboy bunny you’ve always fantasized about. “The goal is to make her feel special,” Moore says. “You’re not judged by what you say, but by your actions. If you’re snapping away, your actions will say, ‘I think you’re attractive.’ In her mind, she’s realizing you see her as sexy.” Plus, this might lead to last-minute sex, which makes everyone happy.

Fail-safe plan: Have an emergency gift on hand, preferably something you can both enjoy, like a lacy negligee. “Presenting her with an offering of your affection and saying, ‘I was saving this for when we got home’ works like a charm,” Moore adds.

A BAR FIGHT : You’re minding your own business, checking out the scene, when you make eye contact with the beautiful blond sitting three stools away from you. She smiles and winks; you show off your pearly whites. Then you make eye contact with Conan seated next to her. “A bar fight is mental judo, plus timing,” shares Donald Moine. First, apologize. You might not know what you did wrong, but saying you’re sorry defuses most situations. Then compliment the guy’s date: “I’m sure this happens to you a lot. You’re with an attractive woman.” Once you have her on your side, flatter the guy. End by offering to buy both a drink. “Receiving something free makes them feel like a winner,” Moine adds. “It’s important to keep this order; buying a drink too early will look like you’re trying to bribe him.”

“If it’s physical and the guy’s in your face, your goal is to give him what he wants without getting hit,” says Dan Steele, author of Body Language. “A broken ego heals in six days, a broken jaw takes six weeks.” Look submissive by avoiding eye contact, then back out of his space. Take a non-aggressive position by putting your hands up towards your chest, palms facing your aggressor. “Make sure to keep one foot behind the other,” Steele advises. “If he swings, you step on your right while moving right; that way, his blow will be defused.”

Fail-safe plan: Enlist help from the bartender. “They don’t want a fight, and the guy doesn’t want to be asked to leave; nor does he want to stop getting served,” Steele says.

AN ACCIDENTAL INSULT : You’re standing next to your bud, ready to meet his new gal, when you point to the heavy-set woman off to the right and say, “Wow, look at her. She’s half-woman, half-pig.” The color drains from your friend’s face, indicating you’ve just insulted his girl. Before your nose meets his fist, tell him you were just joking and compliment her, e.g., “I knew that was your girlfriend because she has a great sense of style and you’d never date anyone who didn’t project a cool image.” End the conversation by solidifying your relationship. “Get their opinion on something,” Leiberman suggests. “This shows you respect him, and that you care about his thinking. It’s also a boost to his ego – the one you just destroyed a few minutes ago. This shifts the dynamics and soothes over your faux pas.”

If it’s a work-related insult – say, you’ve told your co-worker he’s a major ass for not filling out an order form correctly – quickly add that his whole department sucks. “Now you’re globalizing the insult and taking it off one person,” Leiberman adds. “Apologize and add that you’re having a lousy day. By vocalizing your mistake and bringing the focus to you, you’ve made him feel more superior.”

Fail-safe plan: If it’s your boss you’ve insulted,” Leiberman says, “brush up on your résumé.”

A BAD RELATIONSHIP : You’ve unpacked your toothbrush and she’s given you a drawer. As far as you’re concerned, you’ve moved in. A few months later things change. She talks nonstop about nothing, she’s always fixing your shirt or pushing hair out of your eyes or sitting too close. Suddenly, you enjoy spending time at work. Hanging yourself in the bathroom with her panty hose begins to seem like a viable option. Perhaps you just want to leave, but on good terms – she has cute friends you might need to lean on for support when this is all over. “What kind of person is she? Will she handle this calmly, or do you need to prepare her for it?” asks Dr. Peter Kramer, a psychiatrist in Providence, R.I., and author of Should You Leave? “Ideally, this is an act of kindness. You want to leave her with dignity. If she’s fragile and needs support, make gentle hints so she can prepare herself for your exiting.” Say, “I really need some breathing room; I think I’m going to stay at my apartment for a few days.” She’ll spend several days discussing this with friends, crying, and renting An Affair To Remember, Sleepless in Seattle or both, but at least she’ll know it’s coming.

Fail-safe plan: Take her to a restaurant and don’t order red wine. Look how well it worked for Jerry Maguire.

BEING FIRED : If you’re receiving the heave-ho from your job, ask your boss for a list of things you did that displeased him. Make them prove to you that they’ve been unhappy with your work and address each issue. Chances are they won’t fire you over one thing.

Usually, you can smell the metal on the grindstone before the ax hits. Or you might walk into work and find a new boss in the corner office. If that’s the case, try some preemptive reasoning. Say to your boss, “If I were in your position, I’d want to hire my own number two. But I wonder if there’s a way that I can keep contributing to the company.” This shows your boss that you respect him; acknowledge he’s in charge and has power, even if you think he’s an idiot. If that doesn’t work, instill in him the notion that it’s cheaper to keep you than hire someone new. Your knowledge of your department and the company, mixed with your willingness to take pay cuts or work extra hours, might save your job.

Fail-safe plan: If all the back-talking, promises, bitching and begging don’t work, “Walk out with the best severance plan possible,” says Brian Saltz, an employment lawyer. “The higher up you are, the more you can ask for. And the more likely you have a claim. Saying, ‘I don’t want to approach a lawyer’ or ‘I’ve spoken to some friends who are lawyers and they told me I have a case, perhaps we can settle this now,’ works pretty well.”

TEMPTATION : Frankly, this is a tough one. Usually she’s named Lila or Beth or Kelly. If you figure out how to talk your way out of this one, do us a favor and let us know.