College Hoops Commandments
So there's nothing spiritual about college basketball. Or is there? We look to the skies for some help.
#1 : Thy team's performance directly correlates to how enthusiastic – and hot – its cheerleaders are.
In the pros, cheerleaders are basically glorified groupies – not in it for the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat, but more for the "goodies" that come from hooking up with an NBA player – or L.A. Clippers superfan Frankie Muniz.
In college ball, cheerleaders are in it for all the right reasons: three credits, school spirit and how many "blow jobs" they can down if their team wins. And, of course, they can increase their team's AP ratings if they show well on the "Cheerleader Cam," that lovely apparatus that creeps up a cheer girl's skirt when she's toiling atop her male partner'sshoulders – and gives us reason to hurry back from commercial breaks.
#2 : When it comes to recruiting, thou shalt reap what thou sow.
Since the NBA outlawed jumping directly from high school to the pros, the relationship developed between the college recruiter and the 6-foot kindergarten kid really means something. Because now, instead of wasting time trying to sway him from the NBA – which they had to do in the past – the top programs are guaranteed a one-year babysitting slot. And, let's face it: Sometimes babysitters score big, even if only for a year. (see Recruiting: It's a War Out There)
#3 : Thy  team's chance of being Cinderella correlates to how well it excels at fundamentals.
Nevermind the Dukes, North Carolinas and Syracuses (the teams that can just dunk from the half-court line), we're talking those scruffy little programs (Princeton, Valparaiso, Gonzaga) who understand that a pick n' roll is not what happens when they pick up a freshman on campus and roll her around on the bunk bed with teammates. We're talking fundamentals here – which can take Cinderella to the dance and cause a glass slipper to be imprinted in the forehead of Goliath.
#4 : Look not to the hardwood for thy role models.
This goes for players, as well as the brain trust. And, because they're amateur, compared to the NBA crooks (who are smart enough to keep their scams under wraps), it's a guarantee we'll see more college basketball executives, coaches, etc., "going down" in a season than Tara Reid at a NBA All-Star weekend party.
#5 : Thou hast no small plays, only small players.
In the NCAA, there is more desire on one play than all the combined riches in the NBA (and that includes Tara Reid "performing" at an NBA All-Star weekend party). Simply put: Every play counts – for something far more thanyour usual NBA "slam-a-jam-look-at-me- Ma, put-me-on-Sportscenter" photo-op. College kids know the meaning of scrapping for their playing time, and that from every action comes an equal and opposite reaction: Lots of hustling action equals a successful program. Nice to see these kids not trying to leap over tall buildings in a single bound. They prefer taking it down, one brick at a time.
#6 : Thou shalt remember: It's just a game.
A million thanks that Jim Gray doesn't cover college basketball – although Dick Vitale does. But Dickie V. has the kind of enthusiasm every college player who walks onto the court should have. But sometimes that enthusiasm makes for a splitting headache, also known as a Vitaleagrain. (Vitaleagrain: vi-tell-agraine, n. A splitting headache brought on by an overload of Dick Vitale.) And what's up with Jay Bilas? Dude, loosen up. Have you ever enjoyed your own fart? We didn't think so.
RECRUITING: It's a War Out There
Arizona Wildcats assistant coach Josh Pastner gives us the inside scoop on recruiting.
What is the toughest things about trying to recruit the blue chips?
Josh Pastner: The great competition you face. When you are recruiting against schools like Duke, UNC, Kansas, UCLA, etc, it makes the recruiting fun, but also very stressful because the school has so many wonderful positives to offer the kid for his experience as a student-athlete.
What are some effective recruiting strategies?
Josh Pastner: Get on the prospect as early as possible; keep working the prospect and their parents as hard as possible so they know how interested you are. Always be honest and upfront, and try to be creative under the rules so you can find ways to separate yourself from the competition.
If you were commissioner of college basketball, how would you change the recruiting system.
Josh Pastner: I do not know if I would change anything about the recruiting system. I actually like the rules and know the importance of having rules because it makes it an even playing ground. I still think smart hard work can beat the opponent in the end of the battle.
On a scale of one to 10, how harsh is the recruiting game?
Josh Pastner: The recruiting game is very cut throat and intense. I'd say a 10. |
HUGS, Not Diplomas
THE NCAA OFFSEASON USUALLY SEES ONE BIG NAME – COACH, PLAYER OR BOTH, BITE THE DUST.
 The latest casualty was Cincinnati Bearcats coach Bob Huggins. Actually, it's amazing Huggy Bear lasted as long as he did. He's probably responsible for less kids graduating than illiteracy itself. (In one two-year period, Huggins' players had a "zero-graduation rate.") Or, is that just the system's fault? Anyhoo, beware to the University brass, because Kenyon Martin is pissed that you forced his old coach out, and he's coming for you: "This is personal between me and the university," Martin said. "The way I feel, I want my name no longer affiliated with the University of Cincinnati. I would like them to take my jersey down and get rid of my locker and my trophies." Um, K-Mart, what should they do about that diploma you've yet to collect?
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#7 : Thou shalt no longer inherit magic in thy kingdom.
This one goes out to the UCLA Bruins who, with their sensational sophomores, are on the rise again in Westwood – where "The Wizard" is still alive, and makes it a point to watch over the program he put on the map. Just don't count on the dominance the Wizard brought to the kingdom. One title, or a trip to the Playboy Mansion, would make Bruins fans happy.
#8 : Thou shalt find the land of milk and honey.
More teams spread across the country means greater parity. There hasn't been a repeat champion in the NCAA since Duke in 1991-92. Before that, UCLA won seven in a row (1967-1973). Which pretty much means that if you bet on North Carolina to win it all this year, you're a sucker. And considering there's one born every minute …
In the NBA, where there's been, well, a gazillion repeats since the late-1980s, it's always "round up the usual suspects." Sure, in college, it's round up the usual suspects too, but there are more of them, and they fluctuate in and out of contention depending on whether their moon is in the seventh house or not.
#9 : Thou shalt not be a glutton.
While the NBA and Commissioner David Stern continue to stretch their seasons to accommodate as many ad whores as possible, college's 30-something game schedule is tight, and it's the perfect rollercoaster ride into March Madness.
In the NBA, by the time June Madness comes around, some of us have already overdosed from an overload of Hawks, Clippers and Hornets – oh my.
#10 : If you build it, they will come – and they'll bet their asses off.
The men's NCAA basketball tournament has become the most widely betupon annual sporting event in America. Betting during March Madness is 10 times higher than the Super Bowl, with more than $2 billion expected to be put down on this year's tourney. So, while the NCAA may be strictly an amateur organization, someone's getting rich here. It's just not the players. But they get theirs; it's called an education. Well … in theory, anyway. |
